


Clarke.

by m_oliverfan



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, But it's mostly sad, F/F, I don't know why I wrote this, POV Lexa, Past Abuse, Past Drug Use, Sad Ending, This is super sad, a lot of love too though, clarke is dying, clarke is kinda crazy, current abuse, first fanfic so be nice, fluff too don't worry, i am still clexa trash, in a good way, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-06-05 21:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15179555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_oliverfan/pseuds/m_oliverfan
Summary: Before you read this, you should know that this story doesn't have a happy ending. There are a lot of happy parts in the middle, but there are sad ones too. My time with Clarke was a roller coaster, but it was the kind you never want to get off of. And I'll remember her forever.This is our story.Warning: Violence and past abuse. Also a lot of sad. I mean A LOT.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> hi people! this is my first story EVER on this site or any site! woohoo! i hope you like it. i know that there might not be many people trolling this pairing anymore, but i know i still look around for clexa stories every now and then, so i decided to contribute. it's completely in first person POV from Lexa's perspective. just gonna mention again that THIS IS VERY SAD. i wrote this a couple of years ago - when i was in a pretty dark place and i found solace in writing about other people who found some light in their own darkness. 
> 
> again, i'm gonna warn you again that there are mentions of past child abuse and drug use in this story. there is also CURRENT abuse in one part of the story. if that is triggering for you, please don't read. 
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, although please know that this story was mainly a therapeutic exercise for me and i wasn't too concerned with all the little stuff when i wrote it, so there are probably some flaws
> 
> disclaimer: i don't own the 100. if i did it would have been a lot more gay.

We are such fragile creatures. It takes so little to hurt us. One second of mistakes, one driver not paying attention, one cell in your body that decides not to work right, one girl, one chance meeting in the middle of the night. One blink of the eye and we are gone. 

I do not know where to begin.

A few close friends who are aware of that short year of my life have been urging me to share it, but I am still reluctant. They tell me that it is a story worth telling, one that should be told so that others could have the opportunity to learn what I learned, to experience a little bit of what I experienced. They try to explain to me that it would honor her memory to write these words, that it would be a way to immortalize her in time. She deserves nothing less.

Deserved, I guess. It still stings, even after all of this time, remembering that it is all past tense with her. She no longer gets to speak, walk, or touch. She spoke to me, walked by my side, and touched my skin, but she will never do it again. And there is nothing else that hurts as much as that sentence.

Moving on is hard. We romanticize lost love with sappy movies and books, but the real thing isn’t anything like what we are shown. There is no new love waiting to catch your gaze in that cozy coffee shop, there are no chance meetings with your new soulmate in a downpour. I met mine, and the time I had with her will always be worth all of the aftershocks. Those painfully lonely days where all I feel is her heartbeat, and those even more lonely nights where all I see are her eyes. The tear stained pillows, the walks in the rain, the numbness that is inevitable and oh so welcome. There is no new love waiting for me, but luckily I don’t want one. 

Maybe I will someday, but for now I’m okay with having nothing but memories. The bitter-sweet feeling that comes with death overflows my heart every day; it is a friend more than an enemy by now, and I will take it if it gives me just a little bit of her. Faint glimpses, smells, a flash of blonde hair on the corner. 

I’ve asked myself many times why I bother to go on. Why continue if it feels as if all of my life was lived within those few short months? I don’t have a good answer yet, but all I’ve been able to come up with is that she would want me to. She wouldn’t want me to follow her just yet; she even told me just that right before. She wanted me to live the life that was taken from her, and I would love nothing more than for her to smile down from wherever she is, happy that I was doing just that. All I want is for her to be happy, even after death. 

I’d like to use these pages to tell part of her story – the part that I was so privileged to be a part of. She is – was – so much more than any words I will be able to say, but I would like to try. It is something that has become a habit, doing things that remind me of her. I’m sure this is unhealthy, it’s been three years after all, but I can’t seem to stop myself. She was my light, and that warm glow was taken from me too soon. There were so many more things to do.

I thought we had more time. 

Sometimes I think that she was taken because the world wouldn’t have been able to stand more than eighteen years with that kind of person. The universe wouldn’t have been able to stand it, and maybe I couldn’t have either. She changed everything about me, made me so much better, that I can’t imagine what our lives would have looked like right now, if she was here with me. 

This story is not meant for people looking for a fairytale of a happy couple walking off into the sunset. This is a story of a love that enriched me completely. That consumed me and changed me, but it was also a love that I lost. 

Have you ever felt that? I don’t know if I hope you have. It’s scary, terrifying even, for one person to know you so intimately and to love every fiber that they see, even the ones they don’t like. Because you risk losing that, you risk becoming adrift at sea. Your ship half torn down and barely floating, aimlessly moving in a direction you would never have chosen. 

I risked that and here I am. Adrift. 

Like I said before, I don’t know where to start, but I feel that the beginning is always a nice place. But what was our beginning? First meeting or before that? Were our lives intertwined the second my brother switched schools? The moment my parents died? From the very, very beginning? I don’t know. 

But please, if you don’t mind, I’ll start now. My fingers have started to itch with the letters at their fingertips, yearning to put in front of me the most important parts of myself. Maybe this will bring healing. Maybe this will break me down. I don’t know. 

But this is how it all started. This is how I met the girl who changed the very course of my existence.  
This is how I met Clarke.


	2. Chapter 2

“Lexa!” My brother’s voice rang out throughout the small apartment we shared.

“What is it?” I called from my desk. 

“What do you want for dinner?” He stuck his head in my room. “We have some noodles, I could try and do something with them.” 

I nodded distractedly. “Whatever you want.” 

I faintly heard him walk away, back down the short hall to our kitchen. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen in front of me for so long, but I powered through the tiredness pulling them. I could make it until dinner. 

When Lincoln called me to the kitchen I sighed, closing my laptop. Two more pages to go by the next day. I would have to do it after I ate. 

“I found some sauce in the back of the cabinet.” Lincoln said as I sat down at the table. 

“It smells great.” I said.

He beamed and started shoveling the food into his mouth. I scrunched my nose. “Could you eat like a normal person?”

“I made this.” He said after swallowing. “And that means that I get to eat however I want to.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes, and I took the time to look him over. He was tall now, he had been for a few years, but it always surprised me. Everyone who saw us always assumed he was the older one, and even I was taken aback at times. And it wasn’t just his stature – his eyes looked old for seventeen. He glanced up and glared suspiciously at me. 

“Why are you staring?” 

I shook my head. “You look like Dad.” The thought turned my stomach and I immediately regretted speaking the thought aloud.

He stopped mid-chew and blinked. “Do I?” 

I nodded as I twirled my noodles. I caught him smile out of the corner of my eye. 

“How was school?” I asked, changing the subject just as abruptly as I had introduced it.

“Nothing special.” He shrugged. 

“Are you sure?” I asked. “Switching schools in the middle of the semester? I’m aware that it isn’t exactly ideal.

“Nah, it’s fine.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes. “It’s not your fault.”

“It kind of is.” 

He finally looked up and grinned lopsidedly at me. “Yeah, it is, but I don’t mind.” He said. “You got into a great university, Lexa. I told you before, if we had to move so that you could be closer to the school then we would. No complaints from me. Education is important.” 

I snorted. “Says the guy who skipped two days of classes last week.”

His eyes widened and I laughed. “The principal called.” I imitated his deep voice. “He wanted to speak with Lincoln Woods’ legal guardian to discuss his inappropriate behavior as of late.”

“I was with Clarke and Octavia!” He exclaimed. “They wanted me to go to the…” 

I raised an eyebrow.

“The library.” He finished.

“The library?” I asked.

He nodded. “The library. For a project.”

“A school project?” 

His head wasn’t stopping anytime soon. “Yep.”

“What class?”

“Ummm… English.”

“And what is the project over?” 

His cheeks were bright red. “The reformation?”

I sighed. “Stop shitting around with me Lincoln. What were you guys doing?”

He fidgeted with his hands on the table and mumbled something.

“What was that?”

He sighed loudly. “Clarke wanted to go to the park and play Frisbee.”

I stared at him. “You skipped class to go play Frisbee?”

“If it’s such a big deal, why wait and confront me about it?” He waved his hands. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I have a lot of things going on right now, and this is the first time we’ve sat down for dinner together in over a week.” I said. “But, regardless, I’m telling you now that you are not going to be doing this kind of thing regularly, okay?” I stood up to start clearing the dishes. “You need to do well in school, Lincoln. Getting expelled doesn’t look very good on a college application or job resume.”

“I know.” He stood up to help. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I handed him a towel so that he could dry. “Just don’t make it a habit, okay?”

“It wasn’t my idea.” He said. “Clarke always wants to do those crazy things, you know?” He laughed. “She wanted to go cliff jumping, but Octavia convinced her that Frisbee was the better option. She’s like that all of the time.”

“Are you sure that these new friends of yours are good influences?” I asked. 

He nodded his head quickly. “Oh, yeah, they’re great. Clarke, she’s… she’s a really good person. They all are.” He grinned. “Just a bit crazy.”

“As long as that craziness doesn’t extend to drugs or parties every night, then fine.” I said.

“Someone has to be the experienced one in the family.” He said, jumping out of the way as I flung some water towards him. “You can’t deny it; you were either working or doing homework for the entirety of your high school career.”

“I didn’t know that being committed to being a productive member of society was considered a bad thing.” 

“It is if you don’t know how to have fun.” He said as he walked back over to dry the plate I was handing him. 

“I can have fun.” I replied. “But responsibility comes first.” I looked over at him. “I had to have an income so that I could be your guardian, and doing well in school is the only reason I’m in Henderson.” 

He gently shoved my shoulder with his own. “I know that.” He shrugged. “But maybe you could start now? You can’t just skip over that part of your life.”

“Says who?” I asked. “Contrary to what you seem to believe, not every young person has to go through a phase of idiocy and poor judgement.”

“It’s not being an idiot.” He said. “It’s being young.”

We were silent while we finished the dishes. He grabbed my arm as I moved to walk by. “Where do you think you’re going?”

I raised an eyebrow. “To finish a paper.”

He made a face and I sighed. “Look, Lincoln, you don’t get it. College is even more demanding that high school, and I have a shift in the morning.” I removed his hand from my arm. “I am more than happy for you to go out with your friends, but I need to go make sure that we have a place to live and a future where that place is better than this.” I gestured around to the apartment. It was cheap and on the wrong side of town. Leaky pipes and toilets that wouldn’t flush when it was really cold. The heater worked half the time and I didn’t want to think about how many nasty bugs I had killed. 

“I help too.” He retorted. “I have a job and I’m going to get a sports scholarship for college next year and I help pay for food and I still find time to be a kid. I’m doing fine in school – not as good as you, sure, but who needs perfect scores all of the time?” He crossed his arms and looked to the side. “I’ve never understood why it’s okay for me but not for you. It’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, Lincoln.” I said. “And I don’t mind the responsibility. I asked for it, and I’m doing what I can to keep you with me. I can’t have you jumping around in the system. House to house, family to family – that’s not what you want.”

He didn’t say anything else and I walked forward to hug him tightly. He squeezed back and I murmured against his neck, “Someone had to be the grownup.” I took a step back. “And I was the only one old enough to know that.”

“Go with your friends.” I waved towards the door as I walked past him. “Be back by one.”

“Yeah, okay.” I heard faintly as I stepped into my room and closed the door. I leaned back against the door, closed my eyes and didn’t open them until the burning sensation of tears threatening to leak was gone. 

Transferring to Henderson from the community college I attended before was a blessing. It was amazing that they took me – twenty two and only a sophomore, with a past education that was second rate at best and only helpful because I applied myself. I needed Henderson, it was one of the top school in the northwest, and I needed it to get into law school. The highest ambition at the community college I attended had been manager of the local Starbucks, I thought as I slumped back onto my desk chair. 

It was a miracle I was even allowed to graduate from high school. I was a senior when our parents died, and had to get a full time job so that Lincoln and I could live together and I would be qualified to become his guardian. I took GED classes online for two years until I was able to pass – I just had to work all of the time. No time for studying when you had to put food on the table, pay the bills, be a parent to an angry and confused thirteen year old. 

I sighed as I started back on my paper. Elizabethan England was calling, and she had to be attended to.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I woke up the next day tired and warm, not wanting to step out of bed and go for the run that I knew I needed. I groaned slightly as I turned off my alarm and rolled out of bed. I threw on some workout clothes, grabbed my keys, and slipped silently out of the door. I jogged down the stairs in the apartment building and out of the small lobby, glancing over at the snoring man at the desk as I passed and rolling my eyes. 

It was cold outside, the autumn wind cut through the trees lining the sidewalk and tossed around the leaves that littered the ground. It was my favorite season, when the trees shed their old leaves to get ready for the new. When the sky was always gray and cold, the ground hard and half-frozen. It was a season best suited for warm nights spent inside, a cup of cider and an good book in your hand. I smiled as I ran through the local park, cutting across the grass to reach the walking path. 

The thump of my feet hitting the pavement filled my mind, letting my thoughts settle and put themselves into order before the day began. I didn’t get much time for myself – school and work took it all, and this was without question my favorite part of the day. I watched the sunrise from a hill a few miles from our apartment every morning, and I woke up with birdsong in my ear. Peaceful didn’t cover it.

I finished my loop in just over an hour and finished off by running up the stairs in our building, bypassing the elevator. Lincoln was sitting at our small table as I entered sweaty and breathing heavily. 

He looked up over his coffee and nodded to me, going back to the book in his hands. He knew that this was probably the worst time of day to talk to me. I headed off to the shower. 

I plopped down across from him, my hair wet and hanging around my face out of its usual braids, and grabbed a piece of toast that was sitting on a plate. 

“How long are you working today?” Lincoln asked, setting down the book that was in his hands. 

“Until twelve.” I said. “I have classes starting at 12:30 and they go on until four.” 

“Do you want to pick up a pizza from that corner place on your way home?” He asked. “I have a test that I need to study for this afternoon after soccer, and I won’t have time to cook.”

“Yeah, sure.” I nodded. “When’s the first game again?”

“You already forgot?” 

“You didn’t tell me.”

“I distinctly remember me telling you. Weeks ago.”

“No. You didn’t.”

“Yes. I did.”

I sighed and put down the knife I was using to spread jam with. “I’m sorry, okay? I forgot. Now will you tell me so that I can ask off of work?” 

“Next Friday.” He said, smiling slightly. 

“Okay, nexxt Friday.” I said. “I’ll be there.”

We ate in silence for a few moments. 

“And where is it, again?” 

He laughed and shook his head. 

////////////////////////////////

Work was a squat building around the corner from the local library, sitting between a thrift shop and a plumbing business. The diner was the local hangout for older gentlemen during their lunch breaks, and broke college kids in the evenings. It wasn’t the most terrible job I’d ever had (You don’t want to know about the job I had during one summer. Let’s just say that I don’t go anywhere near motel bedsheets anymore.) and I really liked the woman who owned the place. Anya was a few years older than me, and had just graduated from Henderson. Her parents had inherited the place from a distant relative a few years before, and she decided to take a year to run the place and get her feet back under her after graduating. She was blunt and rude to a lot of costumers. She never took shit from people, and she wasn’t afraid to throw it back in their faces if they dared to try and hit on her. She was fabulous.

I walked in that day to find her shouting at a table in the back.

“I don’t care how much you had to give your wife, Joel. You can pay me three dollars and fifty cents for that plate of pancakes!” She put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “Are you done with your complaining? Because I can assure you that you cannot get that quality of food for so little money anywhere else in town.” 

He looked away and shrugged, mumbling his assent and petulantly moving his straw around in his drink.

Anya turned around and saw me standing there watching her. 

“And what do you think you’re doing?” She asked, her glare turning playful. “I wasn’t aware that I paid you to stand around and stare at my ass.”

I stepped past her and grabbed an apron from the hook behind the old-styled counter. “It’s your words and nothing else that draws me to you, Anya.”

She snorted and bumped my hip as she came up next to me. “Nerd. Want your regular tables?” She asked.

I nodded and grabbed a notebook before walking over to my tables. 

“Try not to have too much fun.” I heard her say. I just shook my head and walked up to the first table, plastering on the smile I always had to wear here. 

“What can I get for you today?”

//////////////////////////////

After two hours of breakfast there was a break in the number of poeple coming through the door, and after picking up my last table I headed into the back. Anya was barking at one of the new cooks, who looked as if he might piss his pants.

“What is this?!” She screamed in his face, holding up a plate of eggs. 

“I – ummm – I don’t –.” He stumbled over his words. 

“Feel them!” Anya grabbed his hand and stuck it on the plate. “Would you like to put one of those into your mouth?” 

“N-no.” He shook his head.

“Then why do you expect my customers to do so?” She threw the plate on the counter where it bounced a few times before settling down. “No more cold eggs. That is what the burner is for. Put them under the burner when you’re done, not on the fucking counter!”

I walked up to them and leaned against one of the tables. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine!” Anya screamed, walking towards the door to her office and slamming the door.

The cook audibly sighed and rubbed a shaking hand across his face. 

“Rough first day?” I asked.

“No.” He said. “It’s my third.”

“And you’ve had this issue every day?” I asked. 

“I just forget!” He said. “How am I supposed to remember where to put the eggs when their done cooking, when all I can focus on is that I need to keep cooking more?” 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” I pushed off of the table and held out my hand. “I’m Lexa, by the way.” 

He wiped a hand on his apron before offering it to me. “Jasper.” 

I nodded and took a step back. “Just try and remember, okay? No one in here needs an angry Anya running around.” 

“Yeah, I’m starting to figure that out.” He said. 

The bell rang out front, signaling a new customer. “That’s my cue. It was nice to meet you, Jasper.” 

He smiled. “Like-wise.”

Anya’s mood didn’t get any better throughout my shift. It actually got worse, despite all of us workers trying to do everything perfectly. She stomped through the kitchen every ten minutes or so to lurk over everyone’s shoulder and bark orders in their ears. I didn’t get off the hook that day – she yelled at me twice for not cleaning a table off fast enough, despite the fact that there were no new customers waiting for any clean tables. 

I tried to stay out of her way.

When the end of my shift arrived I walked toward her office and knocked on the door. She called out that I could enter and I did so slowly. She sat behind her desk with her arms crossed, leaning back into her chair with a surly look. 

“Did you need something?” 

I cleared my throat. “I have not received my last paycheck.”

She frowned. “Why not?” 

“That is what I wanted to ask you.”

She sat forward and started to rummage through the papers on her desk. She grabbed the one she was looking for and read it over. 

“It looks like I missed this one.” She said. 

I folded my hands behind my back. “Okay.”

She looked up and grimaced. “I won’t be able to get it to you until the next pay period. It’ll be about two weeks, as usual.” 

“Two weeks?” 

She nodded. 

“Okay.” I breathed hard through my nose. I turned to walk out but then turned back around right before I grabbed the doorknob. 

“Is there any way that I could get just a little bit of it sooner?” I asked. 

“I’m afraid not, Lexa.” She looked genuinely sorry. “I have to follow policy; you know that.”

“Yeah, okay.” I turned back towards the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I closed the door behind me and threw my apron on top of the counter, my mind racing as I pushed the door open out into the cold. We had a bill due the next day, and that paycheck was supposed to pay for it. I pushed my hands into my pockets and lowered my head to fight off the wind. I had only missed a bill twice in my life, both of which happened years ago when I was first figuring out how to balance a budget. I had it down to a science now, and I had no idea how to handle this. We couldn’t afford a late fee without going without food for a few days. 

I sighed and started walking briskly. School wasn’t too far, but the faster I got there the faster I could lose myself in academics for a few hours. I could worry about this later. 

While great in theory, the worrying about it later thing didn’t work out too well. 

My mind ran away from me during my classes. Would they throw us out for one late payment? It sounded crazy, but I knew it wasn’t unheard of, especially in the type of neighborhood we lived in. My heart started beating faster and faster as I sat in my English class. Although, it wasn’t hard to identify with Hemingway’s bleak look on life during that hour, so maybe I gleaned something out of the discussion going on around me. Regardless, I didn’t glean that much from any class that day. 

My feet dragged on the way home. Would I need to make Lincoln take extra shifts every day? It would help, but I didn’t want to keep him away from practice. He needed that outlet, maybe more than we needed dinner this week. 

I opened the door to our apartment and closed it softly, listening for sounds of movement beyond the small kitchen. It was silent, no noise reaching my ears. I set my bag down on the table and walked down the short hallway. I knocked on Lincoln’s door. 

“Linc?” I asked. 

I opened the door slightly, before opening it wider once I saw that the room was empty. I sighed and stepped inside, turning on the light. It was clean, cleaner than mine, I thought with a smile. I sat down on the bed that had tucked-in corners and perfectly folded blankets. His desk was organized and neat. I scanned the floor and saw no clothes, only a hamper half-full of some dirty shirts. I rubbed my hands along the covers beside me before getting up and moving back towards the door. A photograph across the room stopped me. 

I didn’t come in here often; I didn’t really need to, and I had no interest in invading Lincoln’s privacy, so the picture staring at me from his bookshelf stopped me cold. I sucked in a breath and took a few hurried steps forward and reached out a hand towards the faces smiling back at me. My finger stopped an inch or so away from the photo and I closed my eyes. I opened them slowly and stared at the photograph for just a moment. Turning around, I walked slowly back to the door and leaned back against the door once I had closed it. I had put away all of our old family pictures a long time ago. It looked like Lincoln had done some digging and found one. 

I heard the front door a few minutes later, from where I was sitting in my room staring at the books on my desk. 

“Lex?” Lincoln’s voice called out. 

“In here.” I said. 

He popped his head in and looked around my room before settling on me. “Pizza?”

I stared at him for a few moments before raising a hand to my face. “Sorry. I guess I forgot.”

He nodded and shrugged. “That’s okay. Want me to run down and get us something from that place on the corner?” 

“Not today.” I leaned back in my chair and stared at the pen in my hands. “We can’t be eating out for a while.” 

“I didn’t know a two dollar burger was considered eating out.” He said. He stepped more fully into the room and leaned against the doorframe. “Did something happen?”

I explained the paycheck to him. He started to frown as I got to the part where I didn’t know how we would pay the late fee. It would probably be double the amount of the regular bill. 

“But don’t worry about it, okay?” I told him. “I’ll figure something out.”

He looked down at his hands. “I can help, you know.”

“You already help.” 

He was silent for a few moments before walking out of the room. 

He came back a few moments later with a small plastic bag filled with rolled up bills. He walked over and set it down in front of me. 

“You know how you told me to start saving anything I could for school? This is what I’ve been able to come up with.” He shrugged and crossed his arms in front of him. “But it might cover the bill.”

“Linc…” 

“Just pay me back once you get your check.” He said. “This way no one has to pay any kind of late fee, and everything goes back to normal.” He smiled and rubbed my hair affectionately. “This is why you need to realize that you don’t have to do everything alone.”

I moved my head out of his reach and laughed slightly, relaxing for the first time all day at the simple solution handed to me. I shook my head, “Thanks, Linc.” 

“No problem.” He turned around and walked halfway out the door before looking back. “So does that mean we can have pizza tonight?”

“Yeah, that means we can have pizza tonight.” I smiled. He walked out of the door and I sighed. It caught me off guard sometimes – how much different he was, even from just a couple of years ago. My going to Henderson was the main reason he had had to switch schools, but it would’ve happened regardless. I couldn’t remember the amount of times I had had to go up to his school because he was bruised and bloody from a fight that he had always started. The change was abrupt and I had never understood the reason, but I was glad for it. 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

A week or so later, after many hurried days spent without a minute to myself, I came home to find Lincoln asleep on the couch, snoring at the level of a freight train. After dropping my bag down on the counter I walked up behind him and looked him over. He seemed fine; he wasn’t dead, if the sounds coming out of his mouth were any indication. I walked back to the kitchen and grazed through a few cupboards. I sighed in frustration at the emptiness that met me. Where the hell did Lincoln keep all of the food he used for cooking? 

After searching the entire kitchen, I walked down the hall to my room with a bowl of cereal and got started on a paper. 

Lincoln was in the same spot when I went out for my run the next morning, and it wasn’t until I walked back inside that I saw him up. If leaning against the counter clutching a cup of coffee and looking half-dead counted as up and awake. 

“Hello.” I said.

He grunted and didn’t look up from his cup. 

I walked around him to grab a cup for myself and leaned against the counter across from him. He had bags under his eyes. 

“Did you have a rough day yesterday?” I asked him. 

He cleared his throat. “I guess.” He looked up for a moment and then averted his eyes. 

I raised an eyebrow. “Really?” 

He ran a hand over his shaved head and set his coffee down on the counter. “I need to shower.” He said while walking out of the kitchen. 

I walked over to the sink to pour his drink down the sink. I swirled the contents for a few seconds before watching the liquid run down the drain. I ignored the uncomfortable feelings in my stomach and put the mug in the dishwasher.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

I got a phone call a few days later on Friday night. I was working the late shift, and washing down empty tables, my only company the salt shakers and two other people in the entire building. The night was a quiet one, dark and silent outside the large windows that I continued to stare out of. The ringing of the diner’s phone broke through the silence, startling me and the guy who was sweeping across the floor. I frowned and walked over to it. 

“Hello?”

Static came through for a few moments before a slurred voice came through the speaker. “Lex?” 

“Lincoln?” I asked. “What’s going on?” 

“Heeeyyy. Will you come get me?” Crashing noises sounded in the background, making it hard to understand his already partly-unintelligible words. 

“Where are you?” I was already throwing off my apron and clutching the cordless phone to my ear while I went to gather my things. 

“I have no idea.” He said. “Clarke took us to some party – hey!” I heard some shuffling. “That was so cool, man! Can I try?” 

“Hey!” I said loudly into the phone. “Lincoln, do not do anything stupid.”

“Come on, have a little fun Lex.” He laughed. “Or I can just do enough for the both of us.”

“Do what?” I stopped beside the counter where I would need to hang up the phone. I saw from my until-then silent phone that I had almost twenty missed calls from him. “Are you doing drugs?” 

He whined into the phone. “Come on, Lex. It’s nothing” 

“What’s nothing?” I asked through clenched teeth. 

Silence rang through the line and I sighed. “You know what? We’re going to have a very long talk about this when you’re sober or not high or not whatever the fuck you are right now. Okay? But you need to tell me where you are.” 

“I think we’re near Baker’s Street.” His voice was quiet. “How long will that take you?”

“Ten minutes.” Five if I pushed it, and push it I would. “I need to hang up now, but I’ll see you in a minute okay? Don’t do anything stupid. Just, like, sit outside on the porch or something until I get there.”

He didn’t say anything. “Okay?” 

His voice came through. “Yeah.” And then the line beeped, telling me that it was dead. I slammed it down on the receiver and jogged out the door. Jasper stuck his head out of the back. “Lexa!” I turned around impatiently. “Is everything okay?” 

“Not really.” I said. “Will you cover for me?”

“Of course.” He waved me off. “Go save the day, or whatever.”

It took me six minutes to fly over towards Baker’s St, rushing the stop signs and not paying any attention to the color of the stoplights in front of me. The streets were deserted at this time, and no one decided it was their job to correct me of my reckless driving. 

I pulled onto the street and looked at the houses. I had no doubt which one Lincoln was at, as there was only one with the windows lit all around, with cups littering the yard and bass that I could feel through the floor of my car. 

I parked in their yard because the street was full, not giving two shits that I was ruining their near-perfect grass. 

I could see him slumped against the railing, sitting on the steps of the porch. I called out his name and his head lifted up. 

“Hey, Lex.” He slurred before trying and failing to heave himself up. He sighed and seemed to resign himself to a night spent slumped on the stairs. He patted the space next to him and said, “Sit.”

I looked around at the empty yard and the closed door before sitting down. I was thankful that we were the only ones outside.

He smelt like beer and pot. We sat there in silence for a few moments. 

“Why, Linc?” I asked. “What could you possibly find here?”

“A good time?” He phrased it like a question. 

“Is this fun to you?” 

“It is to a lot of people.” He said drunkenly. “So I think that I can learn.”

“Is this some delayed reaction to all of the stuff that’s happened?” I asked. “Because if it is, you picked a really shitty time to go rebellious on me.” 

“So what if it is?.” He was still slurring. It occurred to me that this conversation should probably happen when one of us wasn’t drunk out of our mind.

“Alright.” I let it go. “Let’s go.” I said as I stood up.

He looked at my hand that I was offering him in confusion. I sighed and grabbed his arm, pulling him until he was standing on shaky legs, all of his weight on me. 

The door opened behind us as I started walking us to the car. 

“Linc!” A voice cried out from behind us. “Where are you going?” 

Lincoln grunted and forced me to turn us around with surprising strength. “O?”

“Heeyyy.” A dark haired girl came running up to us, balancing a red cup in her hands and stumbling slightly. “Where are you going?” She repeated. 

“Home.” I said. “You must be Octavia.”

She looked me over and quirked an eyebrow. “Lexa?” 

“The one and the same.” I said, taking a step back and pulling Lincoln with me. “It was nice to finally meet you, but we should really get going.”

“The party just started!” She protested, reaching forward to grab Lincoln’s arm. 

He shook his head groggily and grabbed her hand. “I’m not feeling too well, O. I’m gonna head home.”

She pouted. “Fine.” 

“But thanks for inviting me.” He smiled crookedly. 

“Anytime.” She winked. 

I rolled my eyes and started pulling us backwards again, only to have Lincoln stop again when a second voice cried out his name. 

He turned around. “Clarke?” 

“Who’s next, the Queen?” I grumbled under my breath. 

Lincoln evidently heard me and frowned. “That’s Clarke.” He said quietly to me. 

“Yeah, I think I got that.” I said. 

The girl was running towards us from the house, clutching not a cup but a joint. Wonderful.

She stopped beside Octavia. “Where are you going?”

“Home.” I said. “And before you try to persuade us otherwise – don’t.”

She raised her eyebrows at me and cocked her head. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that I was talking to you.”

Lincoln cleared his throat. “I really should head home.”

I stared at Clarke. “And I wasn’t aware that I was going to have to take shit from drunk teenagers tonight while picking up another drunk teenager who happens to be my little brother. But here I am, and here you are, giving me shit.” She took a deep breath. “But that’s okay because you’re drunk and high and God knows what else, so we’re going to leave and you’re not going to say anything about it.”

I turned us around and started walking us back to the car. We were silent as I opened the doors for both of us, and Lincoln wouldn’t stop staring at me the entire time. I didn’t glance back at the two girls before speeding off towards home. 

“Who are you and where is Lexa?” Lincoln asked after a few moments.

“She’s at the diner, where I was forced to leave her when her little brother called and told her that he was almost black-out drunk at a stranger’s house.”

“I haven’t fainted.” He protested. “Yet.”

“Yet being the operative word.”

“Stop talking so smart.” He groaned while clutching his head. “I can’t take it in this sensitive state.”

“Stop being a bitch.”

He groaned. “I want my nice sister back.”

“Like I said, you forced her out of this body when you decided to make a really stupid decision tonight.”

“So drinking is forbidden now?” He glared over at me. “Are you going to lay down some rules now and act like you’re my parent?”

“I don’t care if you get drunk, Linc.” I sighed. “I care that you’re safe. And really drunk at a stranger’s house, even with friends, is never a good idea. Who knows what could have happened if you hadn’t called. And I can almost guarantee that you will have absolutely no memory of this night past ten o’clock.”

“Whatever.” He slumped down in the seat and closed his eyes. “I’m gonna sleep now.”

“Go right ahead.” 

The street lights cast streaking shadows across the dash of my car. I breathed in deeply as I clenched the steering wheel. 

At least I finally got to meet Lincoln’s friends. They looked like great influences. I’ll have to tell Lincoln just how great they were when he’ll be able to remember our conversation.


	3. Chapter 3

I got us both home uninjured, and Lincoln woke up just enough to help me get him up the stairs. I crashed into my bed the minute he was situated, falling asleep without letting my brain take over. 

I woke up the next morning to a quiet house, and I rolled out of bed and into the kitchen, for once obeying the hunger in my stomach rather than the voice in my head telling me to go for a run. Today was not a day for that.

I made some oatmeal and got some homework done, always with one ear ready to hear the slightest noise from down the hall. 

He wandered into the kitchen around midday. 

“Hello.” I said from my place at the kitchen table. 

He grunted and stumbled over to the fridge, where he grabbed the orange juice and poured it into a glass. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked, setting down the pencil in my hands. 

He grunted again and, after grabbing a bagel from the cabinet, plopped down across from me. He picked at the bagel for a few minutes in silence. 

“Are you going to make me stare at you until you say something?” 

“Yes.” 

“Fine.”

He went on eating his bagel for a few more moments before sighing and rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. 

“What do you want me to say?” 

“A thank you would be nice.”

“Thank you.” He looked up. 

“An explanation would go well with that.” 

He sighed, deep and loud, before slumping in the chair and looking away. “What’s there to tell?” He shrugged. “I went to a party, got drunk, and then called someone who wasn’t drunk to drive me home. Teenagers do it all of the time.” 

“You don’t.”

“Aren’t you the one who always says that the past doesn’t define us?”

“What do you want from me, Lincoln?” I asked. “I’m not going to sit here and talk in circles with you, but I would like to know what has you so upset that you’re turning to alcohol. You know why I don’t like this, and you know that my reasoning is anything but irrational. So don’t try and turn this around on me.”

“I’m sorry.” He said after a minute. “Clarke and O do this kind of stuff all of the time, and I wanted to join them for once. It’s not a big deal, really.” He smiled slightly. “But, if this massive headache is anything to go by, I won’t be doing it again anytime soon.”

“Good.” I said, picking up my pencil and turning back to the textbook. “But go take a shower or something. You smell like shit and beer.”

“Right now, there’s not much difference between the two.” He got up and stumbled back towards the hallway. 

I watched him go. I pushed down the worry that was threatening to pop its head up and tried to get back to my homework. The sick feeling in my stomach remained despite my best efforts. 

////////////////////////////////////////////

Clarke and Octavia came over to our apartment a few days later. Lincoln was adamant about their innocence in the drinking episode, and was annoyed that I had been rude to them. I had to stop myself from slapping him a few times during that conversation. 

He invited them over under the guise of studying, but I knew that he wanted to show me how great they really were. I was going over an assignment in my room when I heard the door open. 

“Lexa!” I heard Linc call out a few minutes later. I begrudgingly shut my laptop and pushed my chair out so that I could stand. One could only take so many interactions with reckless teenagers, in my opinion. And one drunk interaction was more than enough for me. 

They were sitting in the living room, arguing over a movie from the looks of things. Someone had brought a couple boxes of pizza. 

“Hello.” I said from the doorway attached to the kitchen. 

They looked up from the stack of DVDs they were perusing. 

Lincoln smiled and jumped up. He came over and slung an arm over my shoulders, pulling me further into the room. “Guys, this is my sister, Lexa.” 

Octavia waved from her spot on the floor. She smiled widely and brushed the hair out of her face, before standing and pulling me into a hug. I could hear Lincoln chuckle slightly, and my arms gave Octavia a weak sort of pat before she let go of me. 

“Hi!” She said. “Linc talks about you all of the time. It’s great to finally get to see you in person.” She gave him a look. “It’s like he’s hiding you away or something.” 

I cleared my throat awkwardly. “We’ve already met.” I said, glancing between her and Clarke.

“That didn’t count.” Clarke said from the floor. “Drunk interactions that I don’t remember aren’t real conversations. It didn’t even happen, in my opinion.” She stood up and held her hand out. “I’m Clarke.” 

I grabbed her hand, which gave mine a surprisingly firm shake. I scoffed inside, but tried to smile at her. 

“It’s nice to meet you, then.” I said. 

Her blue eyes ran up and down my figure. She winked after letting go of my hand, turning around and sitting back down. “It’s very nice to meet you too.” She glanced back over her shoulder, holding up two movies. “Do you have a preference?” 

“I have work to do.” I said. 

Lincoln groaned and pulled me towards the couch, where he forced me to sit down. “No, not today. We’re going to watch a movie, and you’re watching it with us.” 

“Linc.” I gave him a look. 

Octavia leaned over the arm rest of the couch to put her head on Lincoln’s shoulder. “I agree with Linc, here.” She said. “Me and Clarke need to study for a history test on Monday, and Lincoln has a paper due next week. We’re going to study later.” She grinned. “But first we’re going to relax and watch a movie.” 

Lincoln nodded. “Watch this with us, have some dinner, and then we can all do our work together.” He said. “It’s always better studying with friends anyway.”

I looked between the two of them and sighed. “Fine.” 

I didn’t miss the way Octavia was leaning her head into his, or the way they caught each other’s eyes often. My suspicions were all but confirmed when she kissed his cheek and squeezed into the small place between him and the arm rest. 

“How does this sound?” Clarke said from her place by the movies. She was holding up an action movie that I had no idea we even owned. 

“That’s a good one.” Lincoln nodded. 

“I’m down.” O said. 

They looked at me, and I just shrugged. “I guess.” 

Clarke got up and popped it in before sitting down in the recliner that sat to the left of me. Octavia and Linc grabbed some pizza, but she waved her hand when they held her out a plate. “I’ll get some later.” 

Lincoln looked to me and raised his eyebrows. I shook my head and said. “Later, thanks.”

Octavia snorted and stacked three pieces on her plate. “More for me, bitches.”

I looked over her figure, stick-thin with a runner’s build. I had never understood how it worked that some could eat their weight in junk and not gain an ounce. Good metabolism, I suppose. Or an eating disorder.

Someone pushed play and the movie began, intense music filling up the room while Lincoln got up to turn off the lights. 

The movie was some action film that had a bunch of big-name leads I would never be able to recognize. I wasn’t big on movies, and most of the time I viewed it as a waste of my time. 

Octavia burrowed into Lincoln’s side not long after things started blowing up on the screen, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with it. In fact, he seemed more than a little familiar with the closeness. 

Now I understood why he wanted me to like them, or just one of them in particular.

Clarke folded into herself on the recliner, all slim legs and arms tangled together in the small space. She didn’t seem to be paying much attention to the movie – her eyes slid away from the television often to observe something else in the room.

She glanced back at me once and I quickly cut my gaze away from her face. I didn’t mean to stare, and I felt slightly embarrassed. I had missed the first ten minutes or so of the movie spacing out, so I tried to pay more attention to what was happening on the screen. 

Half way through Clarke stood up and stretched. “Want some?” She asked, gesturing towards the pizza she was grabbing. She looked up at me. 

I nodded and knelt forward by the table, grabbing the plate she held out to me with a quiet word of thanks. 

The movie ended with the usual fanfare and dramatic, and we all looked around as the credits rolled down. 

“That was amazing.” Octavia said, from her new perch on Lincoln’s lap. This was a new development I hadn’t noticed. I wasn’t sure how I thought about it. 

“Yeah.” Lincoln said, nodding his head. “That fight scene at the end? I loved the graphics they used.” 

She turned her head excitedly. “I know! And explosion? I’ve never seen anything so intense in a movie.”

They went back and forth discussing how amazing they thought various things were, and I saw Clarke glance at me form the corner of my eye. 

She nodded towards the kitchen. “Let’s put up the food while the love birds fangirl.”

I snorted and grabbed the used plates, leading us both into the kitchen. “How long has that been going on?”

“O and Linc?” She asked. She opened the boxes and put all of the remaining slices into one box. “A month or so, I think. Maybe two.” She said as she put the box into the fridge. 

“Two months?” I raised my eyebrows. 

“What, he didn’t tell you?” She smirked and jumped up onto the counter, swinging her legs back and forth. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Why is that?” I crossed my arms after dropping the plates in the trash. 

“Lincoln told us that you’ve been taking care of him, and that you’re basically a middle-aged adult who likes to butt into the young’un’s fun.” She smiled. “He probably thought you wouldn’t approve.”

“I admit that I don’t act twenty two, but I am definitely not forty. Thanks.”

“Whatever you say.” She hummed a few bars while she stared at me. “He forgot to mention how beautiful you are, though.”

I blinked at her. “Excuse me?” 

She grinned and jumped down, bumping my shoulder with her own on her way out the door. “A thank you is usually a good response to a compliment, Lexa. Maybe even a kind word in return?” She laughed as she walked into the living room, jumping onto Octavia and Lincoln and causing them both to shriek out in disapproval. 

I turned towards the hallway, but was stopped by Lincoln’s voice. 

“Lexa! Come help us study!” 

I leaned against the doorframe and surveyed the three of them now sprawled out on the floor. “I have a feeling you guys aren’t going to be getting anything academic done tonight.” 

“Hell, no.” Clarke said, moving to lounge on the recliner. “Let’s go hiking.” 

“It’s almost seven, Clarke.” Octavia said. “It’ll be dark soon.”

“But it’s not dark yet!” She jumped up and started pulling on her shoes. “Come on, guys. We can watch the sun set.”

“Where?” Lincoln asked. 

“There’s this cliff over by the old highway.” She said. “It’s not far to drive, and the walk’s not bad either.” She stood there expectantly, looking at all of us. “Are you coming or not?” 

“I need to study.” I said. “But are you sure that it’s safe to be hiking in the dark?” 

Clarke scoffed. “It’s fine, and you need a sunset more than you need calculus. You’re coming.” She looked at the others. “You’re all coming, so please get a move on things. We have just enough time to catch it.”

“I really don’t think –.” 

Lincoln interrupted me by pulling me towards the door. “If I’m going, you’re going.”

“She’s your friend.”

“And you’re the only responsible person in the house, so you have to come with us.” He said.

“Yeah,” Octavia came up behind us carrying a few water bottles she had grabbed from the kitchen. “You need to come and make sure none of us dies.” 

Clarke bounded out from the living room and pushed through all of us to open the door. “I swear you guys, it’ll be midnight before we get there if you don’t hurry up.” 

I gave Lincoln a look. He rolled his eyes and pulled me out of the door. 

Clarke was right – it only took us a few minutes to drive up to the trail. I drove us, and I could see her getting more impatient in the back as each minute crawled by. 

“You could definitely be going faster if you wanted to.” She said. 

“I’m going five over.” I didn’t think it necessary to explain that if I tried to make the car go any faster we would be stranded on the side of the road, the engine blown with no one around. 

“That’s like saying you’re going the limit. Everyone knows that five over isn’t really speeding.”

“Why is it called a ‘speed limit’ if there is no real limit?” I asked. 

She groaned and rolled her head against the glass of the window. 

Lincoln snorted from his place in the passenger seat. 

Octavia leaned forward. “Are we close?” 

“We would be there already if she would just go a little bit faster.” Clarke said. “We should get there in a few more minutes if we keep going as slow as my grandmother.”

I rolled my eyes and kept my foot where it was on the gas pedal. 

“Turn here.” Clarke said after a minute. 

She was pointing to a dirt road – if you could call it a road – on my right. It looked like something out of a horror film. 

“Here?” I asked, slowing the car down. 

“Yes.” She gave me a look in the rearview mirror. “Are you afraid the car’s going to get a little dirty?”

I pulled onto the road and didn’t reply. 

It twisted up the side of a hill and was definitely made for off-road vehicles like Jeeps or large trucks, not my little car that barely went over 60 mph. 

We reached a small parking area not long after, and I eased out of the white-knuckled grip I had on the steering wheel. The place looked empty, and Clarke didn’t hesitate to jump out of the car. 

“This way!” She threw over her shoulder as she walked off into a seemingly unmarked part of the woods. 

I hurriedly locked the door and followed behind Lincoln and Octavia, checking my pockets to make sure I had the car keys with me. 

Clare led us up a steep trail bathed in only the slightest light. The sun was on the other side of the hill, low to the horizon, and my feet were merely dark shadows underneath me. I barely glanced up during the climb for fear of tripping and falling to my death. 

I ran into Lincoln’s back sometime later. 

“Sorry.” I muttered, smiling gratefully as he helped me keep my footing. 

He took a few steps forward on the newly leveled ground. I gasped as I got a glance in front of me. 

The entire town was displayed below us – the university on the left and the town square a tiny speck in the distance. The clouds were brilliant in color – pink, orange, yellow, with specks of blue coming through. We made it just in time, it seemed, as the sun was inches away from touching the horizon. 

Lincoln and Octavia took a seat farther on down the clearing, and I took a few steps closer to the edge in front of me. Clarke was standing a few feet to my right, and she glanced up as I stopped beside her. 

“So, is it worth skipping out on homework?” She had a small smile on her face. 

I nodded slightly, looking back out over the view and settling my hands in my pockets. “I have to admit, this is much better than calculus.”

She took a few steps toward me before turning to face the sunset. “The company’s not so bad either.” She threw me a wink and bumped my shoulder with hers. 

“Pick one.” 

She frowned. “Pick what?”

“Be flirty or be annoying. Pick one.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. 

She cocked her head. “That doesn’t sound very fun. Who wants to be one thing for the rest of their life?”

I gave her a look and she laughed. 

“You know what I mean. Plus you’re probably around five years younger than me and still in high school, friends with my brother.” I shook my head. “None of which are good combinations.”

“Says who?” She asked. 

“Me.”

“And who said that I’m even interested?” 

“No one.” I said. “But if you are, I’d rather get this out of the way as soon as possible.” 

I could feel her looking at me. “You’re going to miss this sunset you wanted to see so badly.”

“I have other things I’d rather be looking at.” She said. 

I turned to face her and held back a smile. “Clarke.”

She took a step forward. “Lexa.”

“We just met this afternoon.”

“I thought we met at that party?” 

“I thought that that never happened.” I said. 

She grinned. “I like you.” 

I turned forward. “Stop it.” 

“No.” 

The sun was halfway through its descent – the sky stuck between day and night.

“You’re missing it.”

She huffed out a laugh and turned her head towards the sun. She clucked, “Like I said, I’ve seen better.” 

“So you risked all of our lives for nothing?” 

“I wouldn’t say that.” She said. 

We were quiet for a little longer, both watching the sun go down and the colors leave the sky. She turned to me when it was almost finished. 

“Want to go to a party on Friday?” 

I raised my eyebrows. “No, not really.” 

“Lincoln and O are going on a date to some shitty romantic movie.” She said. “They wouldn’t know, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m not worried about anything except failing the test I have on Monday, or being convicted of solicitation with a minor.” 

“Who said there would be any soliciting?” 

“Am I wrong?” I glanced at her. 

“No.” She smirked. “But don’t worry about it, my parents let me do whatever the hell I want.” 

“I’m not that kind of girl.” 

“I think that you’ve never had the opportunity.” She leaned close and said softly, “This is your opportunity.” She shrugged. “And I think being friends would be really nice. Everyone needs that one person who tries to be the responsible one. You know, the one who makes sure that there’s a designated driver or that no one has fallen off the cliff.” She gestured to the drop in front of us. “So this could be like an initiation kind of thing. Come to a party, have some fun for once in your life, and then you can go back to your homework and responsibilities in the morning.” 

“No thanks.” 

“Be ready at eight.” She said before walking back to the trail. 

“Stop making out with each other and let’s go back.” She called out to Lincoln and Octavia. 

I heard a scuttling noise from their general direction, and hurriedly followed Clarke back onto the trail. I didn’t look back to check that Lincoln and Octavia were following – I really didn’t want to know what they had been doing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being so late - I got a new job / started a few other stories / and just kind of forgot about this one. 
> 
> I've noticed that there's a spacing issue when I post chapters on here - does anyone know why that is? The last few chapters I went into my word document and spaced out every paragraph in order to fix it, but that is super time consuming and not something I want to have to do for the whole story. Anyone know how to fix it?
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes - didn't have time to edit this one.

The next few days were busy – filled with work at the diner and even more waiting for me at home. Midterms were coming up and I felt that all of my professors had banded together to decide that they didn’t want me to get any sleep until Thanksgiving. Lincoln stayed out of my way, only coming near me to bring me food and to mention that sleep might be a good thing to do once in a while.  
I had completely forgotten about Clarke and her invitation until eight o’clock on Friday night rolled around. I faintly heard the doorbell ring, but it didn’t enter my mind that I should get up and answer it. It rang a few more times before I sighed and got up reluctantly from my desk. The bell rang a few more times on my way to the door and I hurriedly pulled it open.  
“Hey.” Clarke was standing there in my doorway, leaning against the side like she had done it a thousand times.  
“Hello?” I took off my reading glasses and frowned at her. “What are you doing here?”  
“We have a date. Remember?”  
“We do not have a date.” I said.  
She raised an eyebrow. “So you’re standing me up?”  
I shook my head and was about to tell her that she must be drunk because I had no idea what she was going on about, before I remembered our conversation on the cliff.  
“I said no.” I crossed my arms.  
“And I said that I wasn’t going to let you say no.” She looked me over. “Don’t you think you should change into something a little more appropriate?”  
“I’m not going to a party with you.”  
She sighed and straightened up to stand before me. “Look, I’m bored and honestly you have the prettiest face I’ve seen in a long time.” She smiled. “And since I have no doubt you plan on doing nothing other than homework for the next twelve hours, I think that you should come with me instead.”  
“I have midterms.” I tried to ignore the compliment and stand my ground.  
“I don’t care.” She pushed my chest back with her finger until she could walk into my apartment. She shut the door behind her and leaned against it. “I’m not leaving until you get changed and walk out the door with me.”  
“Clarke.”  
“Lexa.” She rolled her eyes. “Is a few hours break really going to cost you a letter grade?” She held up a hand. “And before you answer, there have been multiple studies that prove my theory is better.”  
“Your theory that getting drunk and stupid will help me do better on my exams?” I asked.  
“My theory that having a little fun will let your brain have the rest I’m sure it needs.” She shrugged. “And it never hurts to be around beautiful people while you do it.”  
“I’m assuming you’re talking about one beautiful person in particular?”  
She lifted a hand to her chest. “Aww, Lexa. You think I’m beautiful?”  
I huffed before turning around. “I’ll be ready in a few minutes.”  
“Thank you!” She called out. I rolled my eyes and threw down my glasses once I reached my room.  
I came out a few minutes later and Clarke nodded upon giving me a once over. “I approve.”  
“Because I really need it.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed my bag from behind her before heading for the door. I heard her get up off the couch and follow behind me.  
“Don’t be afraid to ask next time.”  
“Did you walk here?” I asked her once we stepped outside the building and she started walking towards where my car was parked.  
“Yep.” She opened the passenger door once I unlocked it.  
“From your house?” I asked as I slid in. She nodded to my great displeasure.  
“You don’t live near here, do you?”  
She smiled exasperatedly at me. “I like to walk. Stop mothering me.”  
I pulled out of the parking lot but stopped before pulling out onto the road. “Where are we going?”  
“Turn right.”  
The ride over was filled with Clarke constantly changing the radio station and trying to sing along to words she didn’t know. I deliberated turning it off, but a glance in her direction made my hand hesitate. Inexplicably, her smile made me want to join.  
“Here we are.” As if I couldn’t tell from the bass coming through the floor of the car and the many cars strewn along the house’s yard.  
“Are you sure about this?” I asked, my hand hesitating on the door handle.  
She reached out and squeezed my arm. “Come on, I promise you won’t regret it.”  
I got out and walked with her towards the door, looking over in surprise when she linked our arms.  
She winked over at me. “Got to show all of them horny teenagers that I’m taken. And by a very attractive, older woman no less.”  
“I am flattered by your compliments, Clarke, but I hardly consider you taken by me.”  
“On the contrary, Lexa.” She moved her other hand to hold onto my arm. “I am so very, very taken with you. Stop fighting it.”  
“I’ve known you for less than two weeks. And that’s counting the party that never happened.” I said.  
“Time is a human construct I refuse to obey.” She grinned. “I like you.”  
I looked away and bit back a smile. “So you’ve said.”  
She laughed and pulled us both up the porch and through the door.  
The music hit my ears as we walked into the house and I flinched involuntarily. Clarke pulled us further into the house, elbowing her way through the crowded entryway until we reached the kitchen.  
“Pick your poison.” She turned to me while gesturing to a counter filled with various bottles filled with questionable liquid. The only difference I could see between any of them were their color and size. I looked at her and she seemed to understand, giving me a small smile and pulling me closer by my hand. I tried not to focus on how warm her hand was.  
“What do you usually have?” She asked.  
“Lemonade.”  
She looked over the bottles. “I don’t think Darren bought any of the hard stuff.”  
“No, I mean, I just usually have plain lemonade.”  
She raised an eyebrow at me. “When do you have lemonade?”  
“Bars, parties.” I shrugged. “I tried whiskey once, but after a couple sips I was done.”  
“You’ve only had alcohol once in your entire twenty two years of existence.”  
I nodded.  
A small smile started to light up her face and I watched as she slowly began to laugh and shake her head before grabbing two cups and mixing some liquids.  
“What’s so funny?”  
“My night just got a lot better.”  
I eyed her warily as she handed me one of the cups. “I don’t want to get drunk.”  
She gave a nod. “Dully noted.” She waved towards the cup, “Drink.”  
I took a small sip and frowned. She bit her lip as she waited.  
“This is nice.” I said, taking a larger sip.  
She broke out into a smile and pulled me away from the counter. “Drink up. I’ll make you some more later.”  
Clarke led us both to the room where the music was loudest and the lights were dimmest. My protests were drowned in the loud hum, and Clarke didn’t stop until we were in the midst of the grinding youth permeating the room.  
We were pressed up close to one another and Clarke took a drink before leaning in close. “Just let go!”  
I gave her a look and she laughed. How many times can a person genuinely laugh in an hour? I felt like I was about to find out.  
She pulled me closer by my shirt and moved around until I had no choice but to follow her lead. After she knew I would keep up, she closed her eyes and lifted her arms, letting herself go in the dark light. The colored lights around the room danced across her face as she moved, and I couldn’t help but stare.  
She pulled us out of the room when she noticed that we were both out of drinks.  
“Hey, Darren!” She said as we entered the kitchen, waving to a floppy haired young guy reaching up for something in the cupboard. He pulled down a new bag of red cups and turned around with a smile.  
“Clarke!” He took a few steps forward and gave her a side hug. “You made it!”  
“You know I love your parties the best.” She winked at him.  
He nodded. “Yeah.” I rolled my eyes at the glazed and hungry look on his face.  
She turned around to the counter and started mixing our drinks. “This is Lexa, my date.”  
He turned around, seeming to notice me for the first time. He frowned. “Hello.”  
“Hello.” I drawled towards him, sliding an arm around Clarke’s waist as she handed me my drink. She leaned into my side and took a sip from her cup.  
He glanced between us for a few moments before bringing a hand to the back of his neck. “I guess I’ll see you later.”  
Clarke hummed as he walked away. She turned and kissed my cheek. “Thanks, babe. He always tries to hit on me.”  
“It’s not like you encourage him or anything.” I raised an eyebrow.  
She scoffed. “Friendly and flirty are not the same thing.”  
“I think those two things mean different things to you than to other people.”  
“Whatever.” She gulped down the rest of her drink. I looked at her in astonishment.  
“What?” She asked. “I was thirsty.”  
“Don’t start throwing up on me.” I told her, pointing my finger in her face.  
She flicked it away and pulled me away from the counter.  
“Where to know?”  
“The roof.”  
“The roof?” I asked. “Clarke, we’re drunk.”  
“You’re drunk.” She turned around and pointed at me. “I’m not drunk.”  
“You’ve drunk twice as much as me.” I protested, following her up the stairs. “And even I can tell that it’s really strong.”  
“I’m not a lightweight. You are a lightweight.”  
“Am not.” I said, stumbling a bit on the last step.  
She laughed and caught my arm. “Stop being difficult.”  
I grumbled as I followed her through a door and up another flight of stairs. We reached an attic of some sort, and she didn’t hesitate to pull me towards the window on the far side.  
“No.” I shook my head, pulling back on her arm. “I don’t want to die tonight.”  
“We’re not going to die.” She said. “Babe, come on.” She pulled on my arm. “I’ve done this a thousand times.”  
I followed her reluctantly and stuck my head out the window before she could climb through. The ledge in front of us was relatively flat, with only a small slope going down. I felt her hand on my lower back as she leaned out her head next to mine. “Are you satisfied?” I could hear the smile in her voice.  
I sighed and nodded. “Yes, I am satisfied.”  
“Don’t sound so excited about it.” She laughed as she pushed me out of the way and climbed through. She reached her hand through the window and helped me step over the ledge.  
I breathed deeply as I stepped onto the roof and followed Clarke. She looked to be heading towards the very edge. I stopped her halfway there.  
“This is far enough.” I said, sitting down.  
She smiled and sat down next to me, “Okay.”  
“You laugh a lot.” I said. “I like it.”  
She laughed and I pointed at her face. “See! All the time, it’s either winking or laughing.”  
She smiled and grabbed my hand that was still in front of her face. “Excuse me for being a positive person.”  
“Didn’t you hear me? I like it.”  
She looked up at the sky, biting back a laugh. “I’m going to take you to all of my parties.”  
“This isn’t your party.”  
“Every party is my party.” She said.  
I looked up at the stars before looking back at her. The wind was blowing her blonde hair all over her face and her cheeks were pink with the drunkenness she wouldn’t admit. I couldn’t help but agree with her.  
“I can feel your staring.”  
“What can I say? I like looking at beautiful things.” I said.  
She looked over at me. I smiled.  
“I like you.”  
I laughed, “You’ve said that. A lot.”  
She leaned forward until her nose brushed my cheek. “I really, really like you.”  
I leaned my head on her shoulder and sighed. “You’re my brother’s friend.”  
She groaned. “Why are we talking about your brother?”  
“Because you can’t like me and I can’t like you.” I said. “I’m five years older than you.”  
“Do you really care?” She asked. “Or are you just saying that because you’re supposed to?”  
I raised my head. “I don’t know.”  
She smiled. “Good. There’s still hope for you.”  
I frowned and she elaborated. “You shouldn’t spend your entire life just doing work and then more work. You have to live a better life than that.”  
“I live a good life.” I said, pulling away from her.  
“Babe, listen to me.” She grabbed my face with her hands. “Doing what you’re doing right now is not living a good life. You’re just living the life that is expected of you.”  
“What’s wrong with that?”  
“Everything.” She said, leaning her forehead against mine. “You need stars and sunsets and parties and laughter every day of your life.” She smiled.  
I nudged her nose with mine. “And you think you can give me all of that?”  
“Honey,” She laughed softly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I already have.”  
I stared and felt a weird feeling flow through my chest. I leaned my head against her shoulder and gazed up at the stars above us. Even my inebriated state knew that this was odd – these too fast feelings that I welcomed without question. But what choice did I have?  
I ignored the small voice screaming that I had many. 

 

We left the party an hour or two later, after Clarke had said hello to practically everyone in the room, and both of us had had more than enough cups of whatever she had concocted.  
“What are you doing?” She asked me after we had walked out of the house and to my car. I was staring at the keys in my hand and frowning.  
“I can’t drive.” I said.  
“Of course you can!” She protested. “You drove us here, and you drove us the other day. I would bet you have your license and everything.”  
“I’m drunk.” I reminded her, coming back around to her side of the car and leaning against it beside her.  
She groaned. “Does it really matter?” She pouted. “I’m really, really tired and I just want to go to sleep.”  
“Taxi?” I offered.  
“Octavia.” She corrected.  
I groaned this time. “She’s with Lincoln.”  
Clarke pushed off the car and sat down in the grass beside it. She patted the spot next to her. “Stop being afraid.” She said as I sat down.  
“I’m not afraid of my brother.”  
“Then why are you so against him finding out about us?”  
“There is no ‘us’.” I said.  
She sighed and grabbed my hand. “Babe, stop delaying the inevitable.”  
“How is this inevitable again?” I tried to keep my voice from slurring.  
“I said so.”  
“And I don’t get a say?” I raised an eyebrow.  
“No.” She grinned. “I’m taking you as my prisoner.”  
“I don’t think I would mind that.” My eyes widened and I threw my hand over my mouth once I discovered what I had said.  
She laughed delightedly. “See? You like me too.”  
I grumbled, “Fine.”  
“What was that?” She asked, cocking her head towards me.  
“I like you too.” I said louder, aiming straight for her ear.  
“Was that so hard?” She asked while taking out her phone. I noted absentmindedly that I would most likely regret this conversation in the morning, but I just couldn’t bring it in myself to care. Clarke called Octavia and told her in no uncertain terms that she was needed immediately, but that she could totally take her time if she needed to. We sat in silence for a while after that.  
We leaned against each other on the side of the road and looked up at the stars for the second time that night.  
“I’m glad you came with me.” She said.  
“Me too.”  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Sure.” I said, looking over at her.  
She kept her gaze on the sky. “Do you ever think about growing old?”  
“Not really.” I said. “Time passes at the same rate for everyone. Everyone gets old.”  
“But it’s sad, isn’t it?” She frowned. “That youth is so fleeting, and once it’s gone most people spend the rest of their lives trying to get it back.” She looked at me. “I’m never going to grow up.”  
“Never?” I smiled. “How do you think you’re going to manage that?”  
“I haven’t figured it out yet.” She said. “But I don’t want to grow old and wrinkly and forgetful. I want to remember my life forever.”  
“Forever is a long time.”  
“Not long enough.”  
We both looked up at the stars again. “They don’t even live forever, though.” I said. “If the stars can’t manage it, I don’t think anyone can.”  
She leaned her head on my shoulder. “I’ll show them.” She said. “I’ll show them all.”  
Octavia arrived half an hour later, jumping out of the taxi she had taken here.  
“Did someone call for a gorgeous taxi driver?” Octavia asked, coming up in front of us.  
“I don’t think so.” Clarke shook her head. “You must be in the wrong place.”  
Octavia rolled her eyes and held out both of her hands to help us up. “It’s nice to see you again Lexa. I would ask how you were doing but I think it’s pretty obvious that you’re not at your best right now.”  
“Where’s Lincoln?” I asked her, looking around.  
Octavia gave Clarke a look. “Someone told me to ditch him before coming over. I think I’ve discovered why.”  
Clarke grabbed my arm and starting walking towards my car. “I don’t think Lexa would be too happy with me in the morning if I had let her little brother see her intoxicated.”  
“Thank you.” I said softly.  
She looked over and smiled. “Anytime.”  
Octavia groaned. “Stop being cute. I’m supposed to be angry at you right now.”  
Clarke laughed and hit her hand on the car door in front of her. “Shut up and open the door.”  
“You need to give me the keys first, dumbass.”  
“Oh.” I said, reaching into my pocket and fumbling for the keys. Octavia took them with a roll of her eyes.  
Octavia dropped me off first, and Clarke was adamant on walking me to the door.  
“Bring my car back!” I yelled back at the car after I had gotten out. I saw Octavia wave her hand from inside. I took that as reassurance. Lincoln would make her eventually.  
“I’m glad you came.” She said, after we had taken the elevator up to my floor. She leaned back against the door to my apartment.  
“Me too.” I said.  
She stood there staring at me.  
“Are you going to let me get in the door anytime soon?” I asked.  
“No.” She said. “You need the password.”  
I looked at the ceiling and chewed my lip. “How about taxi?” She shook her head. “Party?” She shook her head.  
“You’re being very unoriginal.” She said.  
“Avada Kedavra?” I lifted up my hands.  
“Sorry, I don’t think that curse actually kills people in real life.”  
“Clarke.” I sighed. “I just want to go to sleep.” I emphasized my point by yawning and rubbing my eyes.  
She took a step closer to me. “I’ll give you a hint. The password is not a word.”  
“Come again?”  
She took another step so that our faces were barely inches apart. “Kiss me.”  
Why I was surprised by this demand I have no idea, but my eyes widened in shock as she leaned just a bit closer.  
“Isn’t it a little early for something like that?” I asked.  
“It’s never too early for anything.” She said before leaning in, stopping right before our lips would touch.  
I didn’t need any more encouragement than that, and I closed the small distance that separated us.  
The kiss was slow and sweet – unlike anything I would have expected from the daring and reckless creature that was Clarke.  
She pulled back and smiled. “Was that so hard?” She winked and kissed my cheek. “I’ll see you later, babe.” She slipped around me and towards the stairs, glancing back one more time to throw me a smile before she disappeared.  
It took me longer than normal to fit the key in the lock, but once I had it in I stumbled through the door. It was dark inside, Lincoln must have been asleep, and I felt my way towards my room. I fell down on the bed without bothering to take any clothes off, and drifted off into a sleep filled with images of blonde hair and dark skies – unaccountably, the warmth of the sun surrounded me in the midst of it all.


End file.
